It was a rough day. Not going to lie. I felt off the moment I woke up. Just very sad and depressed. I couldn’t stop thinking of Morgan. I tried to shop with my friend (which I did, and sort of went through the motions). In the afternoon, after dropping Gavin off at a birthday party, we went to go to the Concord Mills Mall. Jeff was on edge as well. Brooklyn has been having terrible allergies and it’s made her EXTREMELY cranky. While we should be understanding, it is very stressful when she is being whiny and needy when we are already dealing with our own stress and emotions. Jeff made a remark about how she’s only like this when I’m around and, while I’ve agreed with this for a long time (because it is actually very true) it just killed me to hear it today.
I’m a terrible mother. Morgan died on my watch… I was the only one with her… I should have done CPR sooner and not taken her upstairs. Instead of doing what I should have done to save my sweet girl, I panicked.
This shook me today…. hard
I fell deeper into depression as the day went on. I didn’t want to be in public. I didn’t have patience for anyone. I saw babies everywhere. But mine was gone.
I needed to buy a winter coat, so we headed to Burlington Coat Factory. I literally bought the first coat I grabbed… I don’t care. I just need a coat. I didn’t care what it cost…. what it looked like… I just wanted to get the hell out of the ridiculously over-crowded mall. I don’t want to see anyone. Everyone is annoying. They are loud, rude, in the way and just…. ANNOYING!!
We finish shopping for everything we need to get at the mall and I was thankful to be headed home.
When we get home I realize I still need to go to Kohls. Good grief… more shopping. Normally I love shopping. I honestly can’t stand it right now – it isn’t enjoyable. So I decided I should just go and get it over with.
As I pull away from the house I lost it. Not just a little… I genuinely LOST IT for the first time since Morgan passed. Oh the agony that burst out of my soul as I drove up the street. I yelled at God “WHY THE F$#@% DID YOU TAKE HER FROM ME!!! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE HAVING MY CHILD RIPPED FROM ME??!!”
And I meant it. I meant all the anger and frustration and complete destruction. I probably should have pulled over. But I was so pissed – so angry I didn’t care. I visualized stepping on the gas in frustration and slamming my car into a pole. I have no idea why. I don’t want to kill myself – it was odd to me I would visualize this but I was just so ANGRY! The act of destruction was what appealed to me in that moment.
I obviously didn’t act out…. I haven’t completely lost my mind (yet)
At Kohls I try to focus on what I needed to get. I promised Taylor Frozen pajamas…. they don’t have her size…. I look everywhere…. I settle for an overpriced velour hoodie with Elsa on it. Whatever. I still have a bunch of Kohls cash expiring tomorrow so I try to find something for my upcoming business trip. I try on 15 different items…. they all suck. Time to just get out of there…
It’s 9pm. At the register, I give the lady my Kohls cash and the print out with $10 in rewards. She isn’t sure how to redeem the rewards. I told her I did what the instructions told me and printed it out. Well no one knew how to give me the 10 bucks. So me, in all my frustration and glory, become embarrassingly uber focused on figuring out how to prove I have this $10 in rewards. I proceed to tie up 4 employees (one being the manager) and myself for the next 45 MINUTES trying to figure out why this measly $10 reward wasn’t working. The whole time I am so unbelievably frustrated I feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown in the store – right there – in front of the world to see (luckily, the store was pretty empty).
Well – somehow – I managed to not become an emotional mess. Turns out, this new rewards program, didn’t work the way any of us thought it did. Even the employees weren’t sure. I have to admit, the employees at the Mooresville Kohl’s handled me and all my craziness pretty well… I should write to corporate to give them Kudos.
I pay the $20 tab and leave. Then I drive home… crying.
It was a hard day. They are all hard. But this was a REALLY REALLY hard day. I’m very sad. Very, very, very sad.