One thing you never seem prepared for when you lose a child is how much extra energy you seem to need to now care for your other children. Tomorrow will mark one month since Morgan passed away, but it seems like the more days pass the more energy gets sucked from me. I thought it was supposed to get “easier” but it is somehow getting more and more difficult. I want so bad to be a good parent to Gavin, Taylor and Brooklyn. I want to be present in their every day lives. I want to remember their parent teacher conferences, the things they need to bring to Girl Scouts and remember to pick them up from the bus stop on time. I want to interact with them without zoning out and wishing I was in bed.
I’m not this depressing, un-motivated person… shaking this is tough. It’s really tough. I don’t think it helps that the holidays are here. I want to be excited for the kids and decorate and cook and bake and do ALL the things I’m always so excited to do this time of year.
But I’m not…
I’m 100% NOT feeling it… everyone says it’s “understandable” and ok but it’s really not. I love Morgan SO SO much…. but I don’t love her any more or less than each of our other kids. Don’t I want THEM to have good memories of the holidays? I don’t want them to hate this time of year because, when they were growing up, Mom was a total wreck and couldn’t get herself together to make a good experience for her LIVING children.
I will continue to roll out of bed and pull myself together I guess. If not for anyone but my kids, as long as I do it. I don’t want to ruin their experiences or their ability to grow up as normal kids. I’ll have to come back to this post when I feel like not getting out of bed I guess and keep reminding myself that there are 3 “other” kids that need mom to suck it up and be normal. Not “I just lost a child” normal… but NORMAL. Like “all my kids are here with me every day” normal.
I’ll be vying for that Oscar…. wish me luck…