I spend so much energy trying to find the positive in everything that has happened over the past four months. Trying to push the foundation to help compensate that Morgan isn’t here. Trying to carefully balance emotions to be a good example for the kids. And trying to push through work every day and be productive. All this trying is so exhausting. What is worse, is I feel myself slipping. I have lost all patience with everyone, including my children.
This isn’t good.
Is it depression? I don’t know. I’ve had postpartum depression before and it wasn’t the same. The depression I’ve had before didn’t hurt. Right now I hurt. Not just emotionally, but physically. I think that is it…. the difference is the physical pain. The sadness too.
I find myself unable to do simple tasks very easily. A shopping trip to get a list of items takes forever. I can’t make decisions. Certain things shock me and make me dip from somewhat numb down to downright sad. Like when I see an ambulance drive by… or I see baby clothes in Target… when I see Brooklyn caring for her baby doll.
I have to stop and breathe… deep…
Today Taylor came up to me at bedtime and said “I wish you would have 5 babies mom. I miss Morgan. Can you grow her in your belly again?”.
Ouch….Pain… that twinge in my heart that has a direct connection to tears. But I manage to hold them back and tell her that even if Mommy were to grow another baby in her belly, it wouldn’t be Morgan. Sadly, Morgan won’t come back.
It is interesting Taylor brings that up. I prayed to God asking what we should do. Is having another baby in the plan for us? I can’t imagine it would be. The thoughts had crossed my mind and Jeff’s. We talked about it. But whenever I imagine us actually going through with it I feel so sad and hurt. I couldn’t do that to one of our children. The thought of having another baby would bring back so many memories of Morgan – and I don’t want to feel like I’m trying to replace her (she is not replaceable!!) and I can’t imagine it would be fair to the new baby to be overshadowed by his older sister in heaven.
I don’t think we are ready to be making a decision like that – and by the time we are “ready” I’m sure I will be too old to consider it.
I have no clue what to do next in life. I place so much hope, drive, energy and emphasis on the foundation and when I can’t work on it I get antsy. Sort of like when I would leave Morgan and the other kids at home with Jeff to run errands – and before long I wonder if I’ve been gone too long and start to stress.
Ugh – I’m such a nutcase! It’s just a rant. I needed to write to get this all off my chest. I feel like I don’t want to be overly depressing or all-consumed about what happened with Morgan but the truth is that it has consumed my soul. My entire soul… I cradle her there in my arms emotionally as close as I can to help ease the pain but my arms feel so empty. It’s all imagined, as a sweet sweet memory.
I packed the first items away today. I was on a rant… I pulled away from everyone today I think. I hadn’t seen Brooklyn all day and, when she finally saw me all she wanted to do was sit and cuddle with me. But I was on a roll in the office cleaning and just had to get away because she was crying. Isn’t that awful? She just wants her mom. How can I be so heartless to my beautiful little girl – I should be so extra grateful that she is here, in person, living…
Intellectually I stand outside myself and look at how awful I’m acting and how, for my kids, I need to shape up. Most days I pull it off. Other, like today, I just need to be alone and quiet. And when it doesn’t happen I seem to snap. It’s a problem. I honestly don’t know what I need to make it better – other than my baby girl back. But that is obviously not possible – so I don’t know. Maybe time. I don’t know. It seems to get worse each day, so if I go at the rate I am then that wouldn’t be better, it would be way worse.
I’ll have to just see what happens – and pray about it. I’ll pray to see if God can lead me into figuring out what I need to feel better. He is pretty good at that.