• My brain is missing

    We have some pretty amazing friends. Every year, for the past 9 years, we have put on a pre-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving dinner. It is a full on Thanksgiving dinner where we invite our friends, because the actual Thanksgiving holiday we are usually busy with our families. To be honest with you, I really didn’t want to do it this year. I was not looking forward to it. Normally I spend a few days organizing the menu, making things from scratch and working out a huge spread. It’s always been the one meal of the year I would truly enjoy preparing. Not this year. I honestly wanted no part in it. I delegated out most of the cooking… I just did the Turkey and the Mac N Cheese. Jeff did the mashed potatoes. I bought a pre-made pumpkin pie and threw it in the oven. That was the extent of my cooking. And that still was hard to get together.

    But I’m glad we got together. I’m glad I delegated out most of the cooking – everyone did a great job with their dishes and we ended up with tons of leftovers! While I don’t have the presence of mind right now to put together a Thanksgiving feast, my friends are not judging that. We just enjoyed the company. It was nice.

    I never once stopped thinking of Morgan. I never do. She is always on my mind.

    The last several days have been progressively more difficult for me. My mood swings seem to be even more extreme. One minute I’m doing “ok” and the next I’m completely a mess – feeling completely hopeless like I don’t want to  exist any more. Yesterday was probably the worst. I have been struggling with my memory. Trying to juggle the normal daily stuff seems to be so damned impossible right now that it’s so unbelievably frustrating. Well, I took Gavin’s ROTC uniform to the dry cleaners like he asked me to. He had his first drill competition today. He made NS1 as the leader which means he is in the 1st position for the team. A very high honor – especially since it would be his first completion. But because I have had this terrible issue with being able to sort out details right now I totally messed it up for him.

    I dropped of his dry cleaning on Friday like he asked…. but when they said “when do you need it” I answered “by Tuesday morning – he has a parade to be in”. I’m an idiot – because I completely forgot about the drill competition!! The absolute disappointment he had about this breaks my heart and makes me so incredibly mad at myself. I haven’t recovered from this. It is just so frustrating. I want to scream and punch something.

    I ended up taking one of the Xanax I had been prescribed when Morgan passed away. I needed to sleep. Boy did I sleep…

    I miss my girl so much. Time to go to bed so I can dream about her… I hope.

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