5 months, 8 hours and 30 minutes ago you went into cardiac arrest. But who is counting? I certainly am… I miss you every moment of every day. I know you see me down here crying and missing you – and I know that you see that I’m hurt and angry with God for taking you from me. But don’t be scared sweet girl. I still love God – I’m just incredibly angry that he chose to take you away from me. I look at your daddy, brother and sisters and they miss you so much too. But I cannot relate to their grief. I cannot relate to ANYONE’s grief but my own.
Some days I cannot seem to shake the mood my grief puts me in. Yesterday was one of those days. I don’t want to only think of you and be sad, and I’m sure there will be a day that I can get there but I’m not there yet. The day you left was very traumatizing. I play back the events over and over in my head. Even after 5 full months of grief I have not stopped playing the sounds, smells, images out of my head.
Even more traumatizing is when I close my eyes to remember the weight of your body against mine while we would snuggle on the couch, and to remember your scent and your softness… it is traumatizing because I will never feel this again. It is incredibly heartbreaking to know that the sweet fighter I so much took for granted is no longer here.
My grief is still so fresh, Morgan. It’s more like it happened yesterday than ever before. In fact, I think it’s even more difficult now than ever. When people expect you to be “normal” and to get work done… and to be there for your family and other kids…and to just be “normal”. I’m not normal. I’m far from it. There is no normal. There is nothing normal about losing you and I struggle every day to put the smile on my face, go to work, cook dinner, clean up, be present for your sisters and brother… and be a wife. I wake up each and every day with sadness and go to bed each and every day with even more sadness. It’s debilitating.
I’ve stopped writing so much. I’m not sure why… probably because I don’t have much energy. It takes quite a bit of energy to put up a front every day. I’ve been putting so much time and energy into trying to get work done with my “day job” that I’m just completely exhausted. I’ve been traveling the last two weeks and, to be honest, the last week has been a struggle to keep up. The first week of travel was fantastic – it was for the foundation and we lobbied to get more funding for CHD research. It felt wonderful being up there with so many who have struggled!
There have been a few days where I’ve just closed my eyes and wished I could be there with you… to get away from the grief…. to get away from the pressures of work that just keep pressing down, harder and harder… to just be there with you and hold you, to smell you and touch you. To feel your breath on the crook of my neck while you sleep. To have a break from everything here that makes me so incredibly sad and helpless. Life is so unbelievably rough, cruel and horrible sometimes, Morgan. Maybe you are the lucky on… maybe God saw this and saw a rough life ahead for you and bestowed his grace upon you because he loved you too much. For that I am grateful. But I’m not grateful for where this leaves me. It leaves me severely depressed, sad and hopeless. I’m a hot mess without you baby girl.