I have to say, after feeling grief over the loss of my precious baby for almost 6 months I can describe the feeling.
Seriously… there is a weight that pushes down constantly. It’s exhausting to carry around this weight. While my arms ache to feel Morgan’s weight against them, my neck, back and shoulders are in true pain from carrying the weight of grief from not having her here. It truly is exhausting to carry on with life like “normal”. Because no one understands this grief unless they have been through the experience of losing a child…. a child who went through SO MUCH. There are people who do understand, and I am so grateful for places like Facebook and Mended Little Hearts who have a safe place for us to share our grief. But every day I see people, work with people and talk to people who don’t have a clue that behind the fake smile, forced laugh and bitter sense of humor is a mother who is deeply hurt and scarred, ready to curl up into a ball with what little bit of keepsake clothing and blankets left of her sweet girl and lose all dignity and sob for the rest of the day.
It is physically…mentally…exhausting…
I go to bed each night completely done. Ready to sleep for hours on end. There are many times I don’t want to wake up. I just want to dream away and live in that space of total emptiness where you don’t feel anything. Actually, I don’t think I dream anymore. I know I WANT to dream… I want to dream about Morgan. But I have not once, since she passed away, had a dream about her. As if losing her isn’t enough… now I can’t even see her in my sleep. All I am left with is…nothing. No dreams. No feelings. Maybe it’s a good thing. Maybe that is what I need…. nothing. Just emptiness, because it’s so painful being awake and having to deal with the fact that life goes on despite the horror of losing your baby and feeling completely empty.
I look at my other three kids and feel so sorry for them – because I really do love them. I push through the pain so hard, every day, to try and be a mom to them, a wife to my husband, an employee to a company and a director of a non-profit. I don’t want my kids to have all their childhood memories be that mom was a depressed nut-job who couldn’t get herself out of bed to enjoy what blessings God DID give her. Intellectually, I know this…functionally, it’s just hard.
It’s the new “normal”. Feeling heavy. Feeling tired… feeling a little crazy and a lot broken. It’s quite the life battle scar to have with you, losing your child. And there are so many who have this same scar. It’s unbelievable how many.
But I hope and pray that no one else has to bear this weight. I know it is not realistic. But it’s something that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Oh how I would love to have that ignorance again – not knowing what it was like and not understanding this heavy weight of grief. It would mean Morgan would still be here, and I would be whole again… complaining about first world issues and snuggling up with my sweet little heart warrior princess.
I’d give so much to hold Morgan again. I miss her smell, her softness, her breath, her cry, and her rattling little snore. I miss that unbelievable smile. I miss her. God I miss her.