So many emotions. Excitement, nervous, overjoyed… is it possible to feel ALL of these in one moment? This day is proof it is possible. This moment. This momentous, huge, exhilarating moment.
I think of you, sweet Morgan. You and God sat here and wrapped this lovely gift as a way to say “it’s going to be OK”. I know you are a big part of this day. We have gone back and forth and back and forth for MONTHS about this day. I didn’t think I was strong enough to get here. I have questioned over and over if it would be the smart thing to do. And before I would know it, I would talk myself out of it.
But God, and you, whispered constantly to my heart otherwise.
I would pray, every day… “God what if?”
They call the children you have that were born before your angel child “sunshine” kids. They are certainly that. While Gavin, Taylor and Brooklyn can all drive me an equal amount of crazy they are a ray of sunshine in my day. They call the child that is your angel child the “storm”. A storm represents a destructive, life changing and scary time in your life, which losing a child embodies ALL of these characteristics. But if you are lucky, and God sees fit, there is a rainbow on the horizon of the storm. The storm gives way to hope. A rainbow to provide a smile and excitement to all. The rainbow is a gift made up of the sunshine AND the storm. Without either of these, the rainbow wouldn’t exist.
They call the child born after losing a child a rainbow.
For months, Jeff and I went back and forth, left and right, up and down about trying for another baby. We discussed merely a few months after losing Morgan, but the pain was too fresh. My first instinct was to feel unbelievable guilt and sadness with the thought of trying to “replace” my Morgan.
Slowly, gradually, and through a lot of prayer, God pushed that thought out of my head. A new baby doesn’t replace Morgan. Nothing and no one could ever take her place in our family. That part is definite.
I still struggled, even after making peace with this knowledge that we wouldn’t be replacing her, we just have so much more love to give.
I prayed… I prayed… I prayed some more.
Then God spoke.
In prayer one day asking for God to lead Jeff and I to the right decision, it was as if he asked me “how would you feel if you decided to NOT try for another child?”. My answer was sadness, depression, and constantly wondering who this rainbow child would have been. He/She would only bring more love and joy into our lives and we would miss this big “what if”.
Then he asked me “Now what do you feel if you DO decide to try for another child?” My answer was FEAR.
“Give me your fear…No matter what the outcome of this new child, give me your fear because I will take care of it all”.
I have given my fear to God. All of it. I don’t feel it. I honestly DO NOT feel fear with this new chapter.
When I read the first…then the second pregnancy test to see the “Pregnant” reading across the digital face, I didn’t feel fear. I felt excited. Of course I have asked the “what if’s”. What if the baby has a heart defect? What if the baby has a different birth defect? What if the baby has a cord accident and is stillborn? What if the baby dies of SIDS?
But the truth is this…we are ALL mortal. Every single one of my children is mortal. Every day brings the risk of death for all of us, but we choose to live. We choose to experience as much as we can for as long as we can. We CHOOSE to live fearlessly. To give God our fear and embrace the fact that we are all, at one point, going to experience even death. But we cannot live our lives and make our choices based on fear. What kind of life is that?
I am 5 weeks along today. Yes, there is still a chance we may lose this pregnancy. But this baby, albeit he is still an embryo (I just have a feeling it is a boy…) deserves to be loved for as long as he is here. We have told a few family. A few friends. But this post will be kept out of public eyes for the time being. I’m not sure when it will post.
Morgan – you would have made such a good big sister here on earth. God knows this. You talk to this baby and sing to him each night. Let him know you. Even though you left 9-1/2 months ago and I have still yet to dream about you, please let this baby dream of you. I want him to know his big sister in heaven. The rest of us sure do know and love you!!