It’s mommy again. Still here… still missing you.
Today marks 10 months without you here. 10 months ago today we watched you unexpectedly slip away from us and go home. I remember those moments so vividly. It was as if I was standing there with you, watching the events take place. I was completely out of body. It felt like a nightmare – an actual nightmare. I needed to wake up.
I never woke up.
YOU never woke up.
I held your hand when they told us you had died. I kissed your warm forehead and watched you sleep. My tears kept coming. I watched you so close. Willing you to to take a breath. I said to you – “wake up… prove them all wrong…you are still here!!”.
But you left.
It did not look like life had left your body. It looked like you were sleeping. And you know what I wish? I wish I knew that it was OK to hold you one last time. I didn’t know baby. I regret this so bad – it’s painful. I should have asked them to remove the breathing tube from your lifeless body and to let me hold you. Just one last time.
Oh it hurts so bad when I go there. I go there a lot. The regret is so big! The pain is even bigger.
I should have asked for the sleeper you were in. Even though it was cut off of you by the paramedics so they could perform CPR… I should have asked.
The things you just don’t know. The things that you just don’t think about until MONTHS after losing a child, it’s awful. Gut wrenching.
I. miss. you.
Those words don’t even describe it. The feeling. The empty hole in my universe. My baby #4.
People ask how many children I have all the time. I know many who have lost children hate this question. I don’t. It gives me the opportunity to make them aware of CHD and the reasons you died. People need to know. Yes, I do sometimes hate the awkward “oh I’m so sorry” but I tell them about YOU. My sweet baby Morgan Avery.
We celebrate you a lot. I hope you see that. It isn’t always tears now. I love to remember playing with you on your little play mat – it was your favorite thing in the world! You were so close to rolling over, which was an incredible milestone for you! You still had trouble lifting your head, and you HATED tummy time… HATED it! I laugh just thinking about it. I hated making you do it because you would cry so hard. I didn’t want you to be upset, I loved it too much when you would smile.
That smile. OH that SMILE! I love that sweet big Morgan smile. You were so close to laughing for the first time. I can just imagine you laughing and giggling up in heaven.
Mommy cannot wait to see you sweet angel. But it is (hopefully) going to be a while. There is still a lot for mommy to accomplish down here on earth with your brother and sisters, daddy and your non-profit. For the time being I’ll keep talking to you, writing to you, and hoping to dream about you.