• Mixed bag

    Red apple growing on tree. Natural products.15 weeks today…

    About the size of an apple. Really? There are so many different size apples. Like a Costco monster apple or a tiny Food Lion apple? 4″… that seems like a big apple to me!

    I am so excited about this baby… but I feel so disconnected. I think it’s because I’m just waiting for the next shoe to drop. I try so hard not to be this way. I pray to God a lot about this and He helps me. But I can’t get over being disconnected. I do NOT want this baby to feel my disconnection! I want to enjoy this pregnancy and appreciate the nuances and the pains that go along with it. But as my grief evolves it’s playing tricks in my mind and creating a certain level of paranoia in me that is hard to shake.

    We’ve told quite a few people. But not everyone. I want to announce this baby. I want people to know that love doesn’t stop with grief and loss. I have learned this the hard way. While so many people can theorize this before they lose someone they love (even more so, a child), it takes some self-convincing to get to this point. And I’m not 100% – I will not lie. I have serious moments where I daydream about birthing this new child and how it is going to feel. I’m not talking about the physical pain – I’m talking about the emotional pain.

    Truth is, I still have some guilt about this new baby. It has nothing to do with “replacing” Morgan – it has everything to do with not being able to give 100% emotionally to this new baby. I pray to God that he continues to take my fear. But I get anxious when I think of SIDS, or accidents or stillbirth or anything else that will take this new baby from me. I don’t want this to happen…! Who does? No one! But it happened to us. We lost Morgan, our sweet and precious baby that we loved with every ounce of our beings.

    But love wasn’t enough.

    It wasn’t enough to keep her heart beating. I wrack my brain – in the moments of quiet that I am alone – and replay October 9th in my head over and over. Through tears and pain I wonder what if I did something different – would she still be here?

    It’s a mixed bag. I remember the days when being conflicted was as simple as which pair of shoes I would wear, or being angry at my husband for something stupid. I’d rather be blissfully ignorant again.

    But I don’t think I would change this mixed bag. I’m happy and excited. It’s the most strange feeling to sit here and feel total anxiety AND complete elation. Who knew grief was so dimensional. I always pictured it as being depressed and sad all the time… nope. Apparently grief puts a little crazy in your head.

    The new normal, right?

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