It’s an awful feeling to know that the only thing you want for Christmas is impossible.
I just want Morgan.
It’s like the clock keeps ticking. Time keeps moving. Before I knew it, Christmas was here. Just like that.
This year was harder than last year to get into the “Christmas Spirit”. It is hard to celebrate when such a large piece of you heart is gone, away from you. Away from the presents, the sights, the sounds, the smells and the warmth of Christmas. It is a bitter reminder that Morgan is, again, not here to celebrate with US. I can only imagine the amazing party in heaven though! But she was robbed of growing up and experiencing the joy of Christmas with her family.
I’m probably just being humanly selfish. I’m pretty certain she is enjoying every moment up in heaven on this sacred day. I am enjoying the kids, that is certain too. But it is fleeting. The strangeness I feel being both joyful AND filled with sadness all at once – it is odd. It’s an exhausting feeling. I’ve been lazy ALL DAY and, yet, I’m still feeling so tired. I have zero energy or motivation to clean up, organize or even change the laundry. I feel lazy. Jeff asked “it feels good right?”. I nod yes…. but I really don’t think so. It doesn’t feel good. It feels horrible. I’m not a lazy person – in fact I rarely sit and relax… just because I love the feeling of accomplishment. But not today. Today I think about Morgan and what she would have been like, at 2-1/2 years old, opening her gifts, refusing to eat her veggies with dinner and finding ways to sneak extra pieces of candy like her sisters.
All of the imagination in the world won’t bring her back.
But that is all I want. Everyday. Not just today.