I haven’t written in so long.
It isn’t because I don’t think of you. It isn’t because I don’t miss you every second of every day. I’m so so sorry baby girl. The hours and days move fast now. I dove into life and work the past 2 years with a vengeance – because “busy” masks the sadness. It acts as a block to my nerves. If I slow down, even for a minute, the block wanes and the waves of fire build up and crash in my brain and my heart attacking my very existence. The suffering comes back and I feel it deep deep down in my soul. So I rush on. I push and push. I give more and more. I do and I do.
But I’m so tired.
I know. It has been almost 5 years. The thought of this makes me realize just how much “life” I am missing because I am moving forward way too fast. I need to stop running and start walking. I know. I need to turn my eyes from work and watch more of your brother and sisters’ lives – be present and valuable and memorable. Taylor wrote in her mother/daughter journal prompt how she was worried about me. She’s 10.
I know. It’s obvious. The feeling of being completely disconnected and apart from you. The world. It takes so much energy just to be alive after losing you. I am not fully functional, but I have to be. For almost 5 years I have had to be.
I miss you so much. I am still waiting for you to visit me in my dreams. I am hopeful.
We are supposed to be signing you up for Kindergarten this year. Every time I receive a notice asking “do you have a child who starts kindergarten this year” I want to scream – YES! YES I DO – BUT SHE IS NOT HERE! Every time one of these emails, texts or phone messages are sent out by the school it is like rubbing salt in the wound. It doesn’t heal baby girl. It is unnatural having you gone. You are supposed to be here, getting excited for Kindergarten, getting excited to move into the house that daddy built for us, fighting with your sisters, cuddling in my lap. But you are not. No matter how many years pass, sweet girl, I will always feel the pang of sadness thinking of everything you have missed, and how me have missed out on watching you grow.
Please come visit me. I love you so much. I know. You do too.